You see, for all that I’m aware of, there are countless other things I don’t know. Countless things that really matter that I completely miss. And I miss them on a daily basis. And you know what else, I’m doing my best. I keep showing up. It’s often messy, it might even be a surprise to you but I often fail to live up to my own expectations too. I lose my patience with my children, those little beings I love beyond comprehension, who are some of the greatest teachers I’ve ever had. I dodge vulnerability with my husband, that kind, wise generous man who shows up unendingly in my life. The man out of every single man on the planet I’ve chosen to bare my beautiful, bruised and often broken heart to while we do our best to serve the world together.

You see, the whole truth is that I get it wrong, again and again and again. Ignorance is certainly not a one off thing in my life.

But, my secret is not that I get it wrong. We all do that. My secret is that regardless of my mistakes and frailties, I keep showing up. Naked, foolish, often messy, yet willing. And that’s the entire secret of my life. I KEEP SHOWING UP. When I’m dragging myself over hot coals for all I’m not, I take a breath and remember kindness. I remind my self I have a lifetime, maybe many, to perfect this compassion gig. When I want to hide from the world and run away to some mystical place where life is easy, I choose patience with myself. I have to do this in a ‘one foot in front of the other’ kind of way, I often stumble, but I keep showing up. I gently tell myself this kindness tree I’m growing needs its roots to be deep into my own heart so I can share its shade with all beings. I use the judgements that arise in my mind, (and for the most part they are of myself), as a practice ground to gently usher myself back to the truth of things. And if judgements of others arise, (I realise this is almost a life or death matter), as soon as I can, I create a safe space for myself to be alone, to sit silently with that person in my mind, to listen deeply to where I hurt the most and to hold myself precious, for as long as I need to. Next, I imagine that person, and because I’ve been able to listen deeply to what I’m most scared of, somehow I find a way to listen deeply to what I imagine they are most scared of. And finally, when enough time has passed and it becomes alive, i soften and yield in the places in my tummy that Ive been holding tight. And I forgive us. Me and them. Cause I know my best looks different everyday, and undoubtedly theirs does too.

My challenge is that a long time ago, somewhere in my being, I planted a seed that at times still believes being right, means being safe or lovable or worthy. So when I’m tired or stretched or a bit more sensitive than usual I can grab for that old righteous armour and ‘try on’ being right. The sad part is that while it seems like it protects me from the hurt and sadness, it actually holds out the loving kindness and joy too.

So in roughly 3 weeks time I am going to board a plane, alone, to go to the USA to spend a few weeks in retreat and studying with my teacher. Maybe this is because I’m irresponsible, lacking foresight, self centered? It’s possible. At times I’m absolutely all these things.

And yes a part of me does feel like I am abandoning my family. To be honest it would be a lot easier to stay home and hide in the rhythms of this busy life. But as I’ve confessed, my secret is showing up. Showing up is the default switch I was somehow born with and that’s entirely what I plan to do. I plan to hire that car and drive myself to the Buddhist centre in Santa Cruz. I’m going to walk 10 minutes into the woods to sleep in that yurt surrounded by mountain lions. I’m going to leave my precious family here, alone, even though they might die of who knows what and leave me with more mother guilt than I could ever digest in 100 lifetimes, and I’m going to sit and listen to my teacher. I’m going to meditate. I’m going reflect on how to be kind, graceful, humble, forgiving. I’m going to sit in silence for one of those weeks and make friends with what ever arises. And at the end of that I’m going to spend a few days with my dear cousins husband. That precious man, who almost a year ago lost his wife to suicide. Not cause it will be easy, simply because loving all of this messy beautiful life is my only option.

So for the record, It is my whole hearted intention to keep dedicating my life to something bigger than I understand. To let unprecedented joy and ease in so I can spread more kindness and abundance than I know is possible. Then my plan is to surrender over and over again, and again and again, even when I don’t want to, so hopefully sooner rather than later, all beings may be free from suffering.

So please forgive me if I disappoint you. I’m doing the best I can. Please bear with me, I need all the patience and help I can get. Maybe we are not so different you and I?! Please take care until we meet again.

Kindness

Katie

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Society seems to build this huge world of ideas around children starting school and the stark reality that once they begin, it will never be the same again. It is like a silent subscription service we all have to the milestones and doorways that we must pass through. Of course this is truthful, life does change at these gateways. And I wonder, what else is true?

What I have come to is this. While those major doorways we all know of and speak of do impact our lives forever, for me it is actually the little everyday ones that make the most difference. The seemingly insignificant moments I choose kindness, gentleness, compassion. What I have really been reflecting on over the past month leading up to Freya starting school is do I trust myself as a mum? Have I done enough? is she happy? To be honest when I dropped her at school this morning what I was really asking myself was “If this was the last time i got to see her, have I given enough?”. All big questions…

And for me they lead to guilt and shame. These two friends tap dance in with all their flashy style and for a time I lose myself in their invitations. How many times have I lost my patience and got angry, raised my voice, ignored her in a time of need, god forbid I even smacked her one day when I had NOTHING else left….. at this point my chest and tummy is so tight its hard to breathe…. my body takes over and that deep breath I just took, well it begins the process of airing the musty staleness of my inadequacies. Cause you know what, for all my failings as a mama, I love. I so holy fully love with my whole being that I could swallow the world before it knew what was coming. My devotion to my children is palpable, I have the strength of a lioness and at the same time I am willing to be the naked struggling fool time and time again if that is what it takes to open to life’s truest heart.

It has been a big week for me, I had my skin check on Monday and need to have two more moles off tomorrow. I dread going, I get scared and at the same time know it is necessary to care deeply for myself if I want to hang around and watch my girls grow. The past few days have been filled with that delicate yet intoxicating mixture of dancing with my fears around dying and resting in the deep gratitude I have for my life. I truly love every aspect of it, there is nothing I want for. I am happy.

On the weekend I caught up with a girlfriend who recently lost her mum to cancer and she shared some really powerful wisdom with me. She spoke of the beauty of death, of how truly sacred and special it is and how as a society we miss out on so much of what it has to offer. And she shared that for her, she felt her mum had given her everything she needed, that she now deeply trusted herself as a woman and mother, that her mother had been an incredible mum and guided her to trust herself right until she died.

What a gift, to leave a daughter who above all trusted in her own blessings, wisdom and goodness.

It is inevitable we will all have to let go of our precious ones. It is my greatest hope that when my turn comes to die, my girls can stand strong and yielding in themselves, that they understand I have given them all that I can and that I deeply trust them and their unique ways of travelling this adventure of life. That above all they know they are loved and never alone.

When I kissed Freya at the door this morning, I guess what i was really saying was thank you. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to love you, to grow alongside you and to let go of you. I can hear my heart gently whispering “Enjoy yourself precious one, this is a safe beautiful place and while this life is short, it wants nothing more than to serve you.

It feels like time for tea, so I’m off to put the kettle on and choose a beautiful cup to drink from. Thank you for meandering with me along this ever winding path.

With love from my heart xox

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This time in retreat, while challenging, has been a much needed reset button for my connection with myself and also to reconnect with diligence to my meditation practice. I feel certain the sacrifices made will find a way to ripple out to all of us.

The biggest remembering for me was how my meditation practice is not about sitting cross legged and serene, but rather bringing a diligence and unwavering intention to come back to my point of focus once I become aware my mind has deviated.

And the second biggest remembering was to bring my mind back with gentleness or in ‘a relaxed way’ as T.Y our teacher said more times over the past 3 days than I could tell you.

So often have I pushed and shoved and coerced and bargained with my mind to try and find stillness, so these rememberings have been a beautiful gift to myself.

My practice is now coming back to my intention with gentleness, the results of my state of mind don’t matter, although I’m finding serenity does make an appearance from time to time!

My family have discovered I’m home, it’s time to go, I’m committed to bringing kindness and compassion to them first, so thanks for reading my thoughts and I dedicate my weekend to each of you. Xxxx

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