Listening to ‘Morning has broken’ my eyes began to leak and I asked myself:

“When does the grief finally end?

When will I finally be done and ok with letting go?” 

And to my utter astonishment, with the most surreal sweetness, 
grief answered:

“My dear, I shall live as long as you love, for within me lies the doorway to your most awakened compassionate heart… “

People will tell you that they wouldn’t change a thing in their life, that all of those ‘hard messy moments’ led them here… and this moment is divine…. 

And while I agree, I would also add that I’d change many things…. I’d set unwaveringly clear boundaries with my body and being and speak up and defend them with my life…. and I’d wrap all of my body and being and its perceived imperfections in a warm loving embrace, reassuring myself I was already enough, and that the ways others had violated me meant everything about them, and nothing about me.

I’d be less rigid and afraid. I’d say yes to so many more chances, i’d play and have oceans more fun. I’d caress my fear and seriousness into joyfull surrender…. Saying yes to so much more.. including that glass of red wine… 

Id shelve my righteousness and choose connection. I’d forgive myself so quickly shame would never find a resting place in my life and I’d whisper the words I needed to hear into my own precious ears… 

If I had the chance to choose over, I’d never be so afraid of love and life that I would run from the goodness and the relationships that fulfilled me. I’d give myself permission to say yes to my dreams decades before I finally did … 

But… My past is a salve that heals, if I let it… 

And while at times my heart breaks daily, I remind myself it was also made to, and those broken bits are the places all the love flows in and out.

I’m a rich, messy, beautiful contradiction and you have permission to be one too. 

Gentle days to you,

All love, KMF 

 @ Hobart, Tasmania

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In passing she mentioned how we are taught to go out there in the world and create and build and construct who we are. Invent what we have to give to the world then give it. Yet the truth is much simpler than that. The divine and all we have to give is actually already within us. Our only real task is to let it out. To be fluid with whatever is flowing through us.

On some level maybe i knew this, but it was so far from any graspable memory I had her kind words made my eyes leak.

Life as you know has changed so much for me. In the spaciousness that comes from giving up so many of the solid things in life like our home, kids schooling and worldly roles, then packing ourselves into a van, I’ve had a lot of time to fertilise and ferment in what the meaning of this whole shebang is.

Everyone is so excited for us. “It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. You guys are so lucky. You must be so happy!”

Yet truthfully, I’ve felt a ton of guilt, almost shame at the abundance in my world, the opportunities our family has. So I unconsciously decided to pile so much unfathomable pressure on myself to make this adventure count. I’ve repeatedly told myself that over this travelling time I have to give something to the world that truly counts. And holy fuck batman!!! what is it??? and hurry up and get your shit together cause the world is depending on you!!!

And maybe it is?

Maybe through my non delivery of anything good and proper to the world I’ve added to the immense suffering of others? Gee it’s a high probability there are more starving children and dying refugees because I have no book loyalties to direct their way? I know through my own internalised harshness and self judgement I’ve suffered like a beast. I’ve been so sick, (that’s my fault too right for not fulfilling my purpose) and my body is holding on to oh so much that my clothes don’t fit right.

But I’m living the dream. Only happiness should abound…. And there, right at that moment is the invitation to turn in on myself again….

Well here’s the thing people. Suffering, while ugly, suffocating and highly unmarketable is a part of my life too. It seems being human (an unenlightened one at least) guarantees suffering and none of us seem to escape it. I don’t believe I suffer because I am doing something wrong (although that’s another great invitation to turn in on myself), I believe I suffer because while ever we are bound to this human condition suffering is as much connected to life as night is to day.

So as we continue along this highway of life, towing not only our dream but ample suffering too, I’m hitting the pressure release valve.

I’m giving myself permission to fail, to screw the whole show up, to never have enough book royalties to save the starving children or provide new homes to desperate refugees. Cause right now what wants to come out of me is authenticity, realness, uncensored truth as it is this moment. And if tomorrow it’s totally different, I give myself permission to live that too. You see I’m a big fricking messy contradiction. I feel big frickin feels. They don’t arrive when I’m ready, they rip the rug out from under any fragile footing I have and bellow to be heard. They yell scream and swear like a trooper. The mess comes because I also feel intense gratitude for the beauty in the world, I cry when I read poetry and I love. I love the best messy love I can and I do it over and over and over again.

And this big fricking vulnerable heart that beats within my chest has every capacity to handle all of it. I know it’s true because I have a 100% success rate at life. Regardless how messy it’s been, I’m still here. And that counts people. That counts.
My plan is this:

Authenticity.

Expression.

Trust.

Surrender.

Repeat.
There are no guarantees, I’m showing up vulnerable anyway.

I’m alive. Thanks for joining me. Maybe we are not so different you and I. Messy, imperfect, infinitely beautiful.

We are the show-er-upper-ers! I bow to you.

Travel safe dear ones xo

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