This morning on the drive to school the girls were playing Cat Stevens. It still amazes me that music can pick you up and whisk you back 23 years to an oh~so~precious yet long~forgotten moment in a single heartbeat. 

Listening to ‘Morning has broken’ my eyes began to leak and I asked myself:

“When does the grief finally end?

When will I finally be done and ok with letting go?” 

And to my utter astonishment, with the most surreal sweetness, 
grief answered:

“My dear, I shall live as long as you love, for within me lies the doorway to your most awakened compassionate heart… “

People will tell you that they wouldn’t change a thing in their life, that all of those ‘hard messy moments’ led them here… and this moment is divine…. 

And while I agree, I would also add that I’d change many things…. I’d set unwaveringly clear boundaries with my body and being and speak up and defend them with my life…. and I’d wrap all of my body and being and its perceived imperfections in a warm loving embrace, reassuring myself I was already enough, and that the ways others had violated me meant everything about them, and nothing about me.

I’d be less rigid and afraid. I’d say yes to so many more chances, i’d play and have oceans more fun. I’d caress my fear and seriousness into joyfull surrender…. Saying yes to so much more.. including that glass of red wine… 

Id shelve my righteousness and choose connection. I’d forgive myself so quickly shame would never find a resting place in my life and I’d whisper the words I needed to hear into my own precious ears… 

If I had the chance to choose over, I’d never be so afraid of love and life that I would run from the goodness and the relationships that fulfilled me. I’d give myself permission to say yes to my dreams decades before I finally did … 

But… My past is a salve that heals, if I let it… 

And while at times my heart breaks daily, I remind myself it was also made to, and those broken bits are the places all the love flows in and out.

I’m a rich, messy, beautiful contradiction and you have permission to be one too. 

Gentle days to you,

All love, KMF 

 @ Hobart, Tasmania

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