Deep in the recesses of my being I’ve made a ton of agreements with myself. One of these agreements has been that if i was going to do something i would do it well. Not a good job, more like exceptionally unrealistically well. Like just outside what i was humanly capable of well.
This has served me tremendously in life. Through constant reflection, refinement, improvement and diligence i have learnt to deliver on the little details. This dedication to doing ‘it right’ has created immense beauty in my world and it has allowed me to bless countless others.
Truthfully, at the same time, it has also strangled the life force from me, suffocating my creativity and joy, and left me so scared of being judged that I’ve run at the speed of lightning with the fear of death pulsing through my veins to hide in the safety of insecurities.
You see another agreement i made with myself was ‘if i couldn’t do it well’ then i would avoid whatever ‘it’ was with a 6 foot barge pole. Id maintain my picture perfect delivery by not being seen for all the half arsed creations and unfinished projects i also birth into the world. God forbid i showed the world my overflowing craft room or all the half written books stored on hard drives hidden in the back of my cupboard. I only felt safe to gift the world the very best of myself, i guess i had not realised the beauty of all my squishy seemingly imperfect bits.
Over the past few years my intention has shifted from perfect to finished. My focus is on ‘doing it’ as opposed to ‘doing it right’. And the difference that focus makes in my world is momentous. You see the grace and kindness i have gifted myself has not only changed my world, it has changed the way i view every other human too. I celebrate my courage and that of others every single day. I treasure the things i make and i revel in their ‘one-off-ness’. I don’t compare my creations to other more perfect versions anymore. I acknowledge my grammar is not perfect and i celebrate my ability to share my heart through words anyway.
I wholeheartedly offer the world my vulnerability in all its colours. I offer an honest expression of the truth of me in its ever changing state, be that in my words or my masterpieces 🙂 And i honestly believe the world wants this. My mess is good enough. Life simply wants to express itself over and over and over again. It doesn’t have a preference for perfection, it has a preference for expression, however that looks.
Part of me has often felt like a fake or phoney. I often hold back sharing because i tell myself it is not totally original or new. I spent so many of my earlier years attempting to have it all together that i got disconnected from the raw truth of life, the raw truth of myself. Remembering is a constant adventure.
My current understanding is that life is messy. All the best things are. Ive never seen a tidy birth of anything in this world! And i am more than willing to live in and embrace this mess.
One of my intentions for this year of travel has been to unbridle my creativity. To be more real and raw and honest than I’ve ever known how. I’m doing this for myself and also for the benefit others. You see i reckon if i get scared of my nakedness, other people get scared of theirs too. Us brave hearts need to show up and support each other. Encourage each other. Share the road maps we have created.
I still get scared. Im human. And when i do i fall back on my mantra, show up anyway. Be willing to be seen. The world needs your goodness. The world can handle your mess.
My motivation for writing today was to share my exciting news, i finally got a new computer, its a mac and i am relearning how to do pretty much everything. Any mastery i had is gone. Its like landing in another country. I have been using my iPhone for all my writing over the past 3 months as my computer died and i didn’t want to use that as an excuse to not write. (Us writers are queens of procrastination and i decided i’m done with deluding myself with dishonest excuses). I also discovered a handful of sharings on my iPhone i never got around to posting. Sometimes when i stumble upon my words i get surprised at the wisdom they contain. I guess they are written as reminders for myself most of all. I promise ill share them over the coming weeks in case there is anything in there for you too.
So before i reread my words or get tempted to sensor or hide i am going to post this. I’m wishing each of you courage and trust to ‘do it’ rather than ‘do it right’.
Im showing up, sometimes its messy, always its raw and real.
I see you brave heart.
Write to me and tell me about your creations and discoveries.
Take care my friend