I love my life. I truly do…. And part of the reason I love it so much is that almost every single breath is devoted to something far greater than myself. I have solid crystal clear intentions for my life in service of others. The by product of these intentions, for the most part, seems to be grace, abundance, gratitude and beauty. Sometimes I hear whispers, other people saying this or similar…. “its easy for her, she’s got this dream life’…. and let me confirm that YES, I do. I have a dream life and I love it! It’s beyond anything I thought possible. I also want to share with you that this dream life takes constant sustained unwavering commitment, diligence, compassion, patience, forgiveness, practice and a willingness to make many, many mistakes. You see I show up in all weather. I face myself even when its the last thing I want to do. I show up ‘anyway’ and do my absolute best to not turn from any of the colours of my heart. If it’s pretty, I’m kind to myself, if its ugly, I hold myself even more tenderly. I don’t always get it right, yet you can count on me to speak up, to speak out, to say the hard things with as much truth and kindness as I have access to each and every moment.
For the past year and a half I have worked really hard. Ive been working solidly on the third edition of my book, the one that went to print. You see the first two almost complete versions didn’t make it. It was anything but easy to begin again that third time, part of me wanted to give up, to hide, to forget the whole shebang. AND the reason “An Invitation to Trust’ exists is because i didn’t. Even in the hardest times, I wrote on. I arose in the dark to write before the girls were up, I sacrificed so much time with them in waking hours swimming through oceans of mother guilt to stay on task, I stayed up until near midnight at least 5 nights each week when my body clock has a preference for shutting down at 9pm! I did what needed doing. You see working hard for me is fairly easy, I was raised in the bush where most people measure their self worth by their ability to work hard and self sacrifice, yet working that hard and maintaining the level of self connection required to serve all of life was a miraculous feat I didn’t know was possible.
The past few weeks I’ve been on clean up mode. Ive been taking care of all the things that were pushed aside for the past year and a half to allow me to finish my book. Things like caring for my home environments (the caravan just came back from repairs), spaciousness to tend my relationships, the unending bookwork that comes with working for yourself, time to simply play more with my children and more. This week sees me digging deep to begin the last of the physical duties, cleaning out and culling my vintage hire shed and then repeating that task in my office. (Yes both these tasks seem entirely insurmountable in this moment yet Ive discovered regardless of what I think, I can actually complete insurmountable things time and time again!). The main impetus for this final push is that in a few months I have 5000 books being delivered and they clearly need a safe space to land (unless they sell out before hand 😉
After this clean and cull my plan is to retreat for a chapter to deeply nurture my body and health. Ive never lived outside of my comfort zone on such an unending basis. My body has carried me through all of this and each day I have to hold it and say “not much longer my dear, I know you want rest, please know I am listening to you, we will rest soon, I promise”.
And it’s almost time to make good on this promise. My preference is to listen NOW so I don’t have to live through some disease or illness to force myself to stop. I have been listening and asking a lot from this vessel, I know balance needs to return.
You see life is different for me now. I am beginning to understand that the idea of being in my comfort zone is something that may never ever return. I choose to listen deeply and show up anyway. I have peace that until this point I have offered all that I can, I also acknowledge that my bones and being is aching for some deep rest, stillness and time alone. I need rest. I need simple hearty meals and early nights. I need to read some books and drink some tea and let life settle.
So after this last burst of activity you may see less of me for a time. It will definitely take me a lot longer to reply to your letters and notes, yet I promise I will get to each of them. I will leave a trail of photos and messages on facebook yet will not be online regularly over this time. Please know its not that I care any less, I will still hold each of you close in my heart. It is simply that in order to rise for the next round of offerings and all that is to come I need to deeply listen to my body and fall into deep rest once again. My bodies bio rhythm’s are listening to the earth and I need the stillness that comes with winter.
Please know that I promise, once the winter solstice has passed and the days once again steadily grow in length, I will return to each of you, renewed and nourished by my time in stillness. I will once again rise with the light to share with each of you, however that needs to look for the benefit of all.
So in the meantime dear one, travel safely. Please be ever so kind to yourself, kinder to you than you have ever been. It is in parting that space arises for each of us to do our own inner work and grow. And let us trust that in time we will sit together and share once again.
All love, KMF xo
PS. If you have not already pre ordered my book, i would super duper appreciate your support. You can even read the first two chapters here…
- Dreams do come true…
- When does the grief finally end?